


brOKen

by daughterofthesky (orphan_account)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Break Up, Cliche, Heartache, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Metaphors, No Plot/Plotless, Poetry, Post-Break Up, Silence, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-15 19:19:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15419814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/daughterofthesky
Summary: A room.Two people.Guilt.Heartbreak.The end of a love story.Ashes.





	brOKen

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by ["Why Did You Cheat?"](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/400287) by Iris. 



> i wrote this in like 20 minutes  
> pls ignore the common af title i have no inspiration rn  
> i lowkey don't say who's who because i want the reader to imagine it the way they want to, but one of them is felix and the other is changbin okay ahsjdk  
> pps: english is not my first language so grammar mistakes may appear :/

Silence invades the room and darkness bathes itself from the quietness of it all. The dim sunlight peeks through a single window, shadows of the day surrounding us, but the space between us is lighted. Just two chairs facing each other. But the person sitting on one of them, facing me, doesn't look back at me, instead his gaze follows the trace of the sunlight. I look right at him, my eyes weeping but I don't try to wipe them away: he needs to see me _broken._

Something always brought me back to him, I always felt this inexplicable need to bury my head in his chest and pretend nothing was wrong, and maybe I was, indeed, gullible, and believed his lies without questioning him. Addictions are inevitable, and painful, and you know, deep down inside, that what you're doing is wrong and that you should stop for your own health. But no one ever stops, not fully, and I had become addicted to his powerful poison, and I couldn't live without it: I couldn't live without him. I had overdosed with every inch of my body, and I couldn't face the fact that I had to let it go, that I couldn't go on this way.

He apologized.  
But his apologies mean nothing compared to the weight in my heart, the countless of sleepless nights I laid awake in bed crying and consoling myself when he was out doing God knows what, the scars that I felt still bleeding, its grief running over the sides of my lungs until they reached the stomach and I wanted to throw up. I wondered what I had done wrong, what I could've done to prevent it, thinking it was all my fault and I was the one to blame. I had even doubted my love for him, and I knew I couldn't forgive myself if I lost him; I thought he didn't love me anymore.  
I had accepted his apology, and apologized back.

Maybe I loved him too much.  
Maybe I loved him too much to let go.  
It hurts,  
It'll always hurt, this love  
It is not healthy.  
But I wanted more.  
Maybe I loved him too much it hurt.  
But I knew pain too much  
To know I was going to get alive out of this,  
The way I always did.

He's not looking back at me, and I don't know what hurts more: the fact that he's avoiding me, or that if he does look at me, I'll break down and won't be able to go back to the way I am right now; crying, but face head on, chin up facing him, stronger than I've ever been. I'm afraid that if he does look at me, something inside of me will crave that powerful poison and I'll bury my head again in his chest, and forgive him the way I always do. But he doesn't deserve my forgiveness anymore, they way I thought he did.

He made me feel worthless.  
Whatever confidence I used to have;  
I lost it all to him.  
That smile,  
The one I thought was only for me,  
Those captivating eyes took my heart away,  
And promised to keep it safe,  
Nourishing it with a love  
That wasn't only for me,  
The way I thought it was,  
The way you told me it was.

It wasn't long before I caught him. He had trapped himself in a web of lies, and he blamed me for it all. He blamed me for his mistakes, and he made me feel guilty. We fought a lot, but every single argument had ended with an apology from my part.  
But he did it again.  
And again.  
And again.  
And again.  
And yet _again._

When I found out about him, it made me feel as though what we had wasn't somehow real, and that his feelings either hadn't been there or they had faded away, and it made me feel as though it was my fault for not trying hard enough to make him fall in love with me. I didn't even want to know why, why he did what he did: I was numb. I had drowned myself in too much pain and guilt and suffering and agony to feel anything anymore. So I never asked him why. I never will.

But I fought for him  
I fought for him like I never fought for anything else in my life.  
He held it all in his eyes;  
My trust.  
My love.  
My life.  
How could I just walk away from everything we had,  
From everything we shared?  
I couldn't.  
But I had to,  
And I knew it.

I couldn't go on anymore. I thought I had it in me, but my heart was too weak, and broken, and empty, to go on this way. The thought of not being with him terrified me, and I couldn't face a single day without thinking about him, and wondering if he thought about me too.

It had been hard accepting that I had to move on and leave him behind, and I had denied this for a long time. I thought I hadn't fought enough for him the way I should have, and I was guilty, in a way, for not being there for him the way he needed me to be. Memories of us kept coming to my mind every time I looked at him, and it was impossible for me to just say "we're done" and walk away. So I didn't.

But then I did. I did because I wanted to be happy, I did because I wanted to be free. I was tired of running back to him and forgiving and breaking my heart a thousand times and I was tired of how he made me feel and I knew I deserved a break. I deserved my freedom. I deserved to heal and love again. I deserved more than he could give, and he deserved someone better as well, someone who could be there for him and love him unconditionally, the way I had, but better and more.

And I didn't hate him. I could never hate him. He did nothing wrong, because falling in love is not a sin.

A phoenix will rise from our ashes,  
Like the sun will still shine on our hearts,  
The way I will still look at him, and smile.  
I don't see him for what we did,  
That excruciating pain and scars he left in me,  
I see him for who he was when he was with me.

We had great moments together, and I know I'll carry a bit of that love onto the next person I'm with, and I hope he will too. I will look back and smile, because that love was beautiful and it made me feel alive and special, and there will never be something quite like it.

He is right in front of me, but he's far. We're on different worlds, different pages, different paths. A part of me doesn't recognize him, because I've changed, the way he couldn't. He looks fragile, _breakable._  
Maybe he doesn't look at me because he's afraid to face what he has lost. Maybe he just hates to see how much I've changed, how strong I am now that he is out of my life. Maybe he regrets what he has done to me, the pain he unconsciously inflicted in me, but I gave him pain too: we're both guilty of a love that didn't turn out.

"Thank you for everything," I say, finally wiping the tears off my face with my sleeve and looking at him, nothing but love and admiration behind those tears. I don't hate him.  
I stand up and go to the door, but before leaving I look back once more.  
He started crying, burying his face in his hands.  
He didn't look at me, not once.  
Maybe it's better this way,  
Maybe this way we'll heal.

_I'm not broken anymore, I'm ok._

**Author's Note:**

> i hope it didn't suck too much, i have no idea what i tried to do with this


End file.
